Crunchy Thoughts

Oh no, I think I’m turning into one of those nutters who want to be trendy fashion-setters. That was never on my list of Things to Do In Life.

I went to the mall today to get a hair clip and scope out potential dresses for an upcoming wedding. Upon walking into the department store, however, I ran into the Purse section. It is getting about time to pick out a new winter purse, so I looked around a bit. And then . . . I saw it.

The Seatbelt Purse.

I had seen it earlier this week in a magazine and loved the idea — made out of real seatbelt material arranged in a basket-weave pattern, lined with some fabric pilots use, and sewn together by NASA-grade thread. Whatever color you want, they’ve got it. Naturally, this is considered one of those uppity designer brands and the size I like runs at $80.00.

Which, sadly enough, is quite cheap by designer standards.

Feeling poor, I grudgingly put down the purse, made a mental note to put it on my Christmas list, then appeased myself by buying some Boots Boots.

Don’t ask me if they cost more than the purse.

I said don’t.

Usually when first exposed to all the heavy weights and buff bodies at a fitness center, one ends up heading home feeling out of shape and unattractive. During my first two weeks attending a fitness center, however, I have come home feeling incredibly short.

I’ve gotten a good routine started at the gym. First, my husband and I spend some time on the treadmills. These nifty machines have their own individual media centers where you can watch television, listen to music, or pop in a DVD — this is courtesy of our friend Willis, but that is another story. I had noticed that I couldn’t see the television very well because the ceiling lights were being reflected back at me. Yesterday, I asked Steven if he was having the same problem.

“No, I only see the lights at the very top of the screen,” he replied, “I can see it fine.”

Ohh, so it’s just me, then. I am _{way down here} while the screen is ^{way up there}. Maybe I should ask Willis to incorporate a tilt feature into those screens.

After treadmilling through the reflections, we go over to all the weight machines. These are the kinds of machines that Soloflex® claims to do all at once plus be a clothes hanger. On these weight machines there are a plethora of settings for height differences. You would think it would be hard to figure out what would be the best selection, but not for me. On every machine I have to use the settings for the smallest and shortest the machine can go — and even then some of them are still a bit large.

“You are too short,” the machine thinks at me.

I am only one inch shorter than the average woman! Do the fitness center machine moguls think that only men and Amazon women use their machines? Why must my 5′ 3″* frame be continually insulted?

When I am queen, I shall have custom fitness machines made to fit my height. They will make me feel very tall and I will be the happier for it. Better yet, my Shorty Machines™? will be in my own home so they will also double as clothes hangers.

_____
*on a good day

To sum up the fine day that was October 2nd, 2004, I give you this quote:

“The only thing better than making 87,000 people happy,” said wide receiver Courtney Taylor, roughly quoting the capacity at Jordan-Hare Stadium, “is making 110,000 mad.”

WAR

DAMN

EAGLE

‘Nighties.