As I head out the door to check the mail, there is a clamor in the bathroom that resembles two horses galloping in the tub. “Quit playing in the bathroom,” I shout. “Why?” protests Lydia. “Because it’s not a place to play. You could fall and hurt yourself.” “We wont get hurt!” “Don’t play in […]
Category Archives: quote
nightmare
When Sam woke up this morning, the first thing out of his mouth is, “I don’t want to see it bear.” He continues to repeat this as he goes potty — I don’t want to see it bear — gets dressed — I don’t want to see it bear — eats breakfast — I don’t […]
synonyms and sam’s first fib
Lydia and I were having a conversation about synonyms while her and Sam took a bath. “Let’s think of some other words for ‘funny,’ ” I suggested. “Let’s see, there’s ‘hilarious,’ ‘amusing,’ . . .” “And ‘bootie,’ Lydia chimed in. ____________________________________ “I need pumpkin! I need pumpkin!” Sam shouted repetitively this evening. Back to pumpkins […]
gaming the system
WARNING: I’m about to talk about poop a lot. Yesterday, as the day was winding down and it was time for the kids to get ready for bed, I knew it was time for Sam to poop. Lately, even though Sam is potty trained and can pee in the potty all day long, he has […]
scenes from the mundane: batteries
EXT. MOMMY’S CAR, A.K.A. ELLIOTT — EARLY EVENING The Williams family heads home after a day of swimming. MOMMY and DADDY are listening to music. LYDIA is staring out of the window, daydreaming. SAM is playing with a singing alphabet toy, commonly known as ‘W.’ SAM It need a batteries in it. Mommy? It need […]
backseat conversations: wedding
Lydia: “Will you come to my wedding?” Me: “Yes, sweetie; of course I’ll be at your wedding.” Lydia: “No, I was talking to Sam. Hey Sam! Will you come to my and Nathan’s wedding?” Sam: “No.” Lydia, pouting: “Sam, I want you to come to my wedding!” Sam: “No!” Me: “Baby, he doesn’t know what […]
panties like beckham
We stopped in for a bite to eat at a barbecue joint yesterday. Going out to eat with both kids can be a crapshoot, but this time they were relatively well-behaved and the restaurant wasn’t crowded. Success! As I nibbled on my okra, I hear Lydia start to sputter beside me, “What…what…why…WHY IS THAT MAN […]
young and the reckless
I have the best idea for a television show, y’all. It’s a show full of drama and angst — you’ll feverishly await the next episode to see what happens next! It’d be a show set up like a soap opera, complete with cheesy music and awkward turns toward the camera . . . only with […]
oh, but what will all my friends at school think?
Lydia had a hangnail on her thumb this evening. She only showed it to me after she picked at it a while and made it worse. As we headed toward my bathroom and the clippers, I jokingly told her I was going to have to remove the whole thumb. Her eyes widened as she looked […]
pourquoi?
Lydia: “Hey, where did Daddy go?” Me: “He went upstairs to get something.” Lydia: “Huh?” Me: “He went — look, why do you ask questions if you’re not going to listen to the answer? I’m tired of you saying ‘Huh?’ all the time. If you ask a question, at least listen to the answer I […]