40 things never said by southerners

I came across this on the internet today, and I was amused. It’s Fourty Things Never Said By Southerners. However, there’s quite a few of these I disagree with. I think they should change the word ‘Southerners’ to ‘Rednecks’ or ‘White Trash.’ I’ve posted it below, and I added some of my own comments.

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.
*hahaha, it makes me laugh. I don’t do this sort of thing though. Sorry.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
*Shakespeare rocks. I just bought King Lear today; I’ve never read it. I swear I’m not lying.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
*I have to agree. Duct tape is The Tool.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
*I truly don’t care, which I think is the point that they’re trying to make.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
*Beer is gross. If I wanted to drink piss, I could get some for free.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
*Nope, no guns here. Water pistols for Renton, but no guns.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
*This doesn’t apply to me, for I have no sideburns.
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
*This one is true. Dogs eat anything.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
*Actually, I did.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
*I only let plants ride in the back of my pickup.
30. Wrasslin’s fake.
*’Tis.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
*Hahaha, yeah, I don’t know anyone around here that has to do w/ Greenpeace.
28. We’re vegetarians.
*Meat good. Vegetarian is an Indian word for ‘lousy hunter.’
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
*Well, Southerners are getting more health concious. I wouldn’t be suprised to hear some toothless guy wearing overalls say this nowadays.
26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
*See above.
25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
*Dogs drool. Cats rule.
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
*Uhh, racecar driver? Or is he that singer, Richard Petty and the Heartbreakers? Too many Pettys around.
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
*G.R.O.S.S.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
*Yes they do.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
*Yes it is.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
*You can always find something at Wal-Mart, so I have to agree w/ this one.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
*I do that.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
*Of course not! Espresso is much better: just as much caffiene, no calories, fast consumption.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
*I say that a lot.
16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
*Huh?
15. I’ve got it all on the C drive.
*Nope. I’ve got some on CD-Rs, servers, there’s an F drive at work. . .
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
*Yes it does, if it is brewed right.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
*Broiled, please.
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
*Ehh, I don’t think many of us can afford that. There is a Saks Fifth Avenue in Birmingham, though. . . .
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
*I don’t watch the Super Bowl. Pro football is for boring cities with no cool college teams.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
*Yes they do.
09. Checkmate.
*This is usually said to me. I’m not too good at Chess, though I try.
08. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
*I say that a lot. The stuff you see kids wear sometimes. Scary.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
*They get stuck in your teeth. . .
06. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
*I never cared for that show much.
05. I don’t have a favorite college team.
*WAR DAMN EAGLE.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
*I do this at places that are known to just pour it on.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
*Hahaha, I think that sometimes to. Never say it though.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
*I only wear jeans.
01. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
*Ehh, I’m not one for the bar scene.

See, according to this, I’m not a Southerner. Maybe I’m just an Odd Southerner. Or a Southerner With Aspirations. Whatever. This Southerner is tired (been up since ten ’till five), and I’ve got stuff to do.