I am having the weirdest time with my recent toothpaste selections. Man, I never thought I’d have toothpaste on my mind so much that I’d want to write about it. Maybe I’m getting old. That’s probably it. I’ve been having this problem with my back, too . . .
In the past, I’ve usually gone for something like Aquafresh or Rembrandt, as long as it’s extra-super-duper-will-make-you-go-blind whitening. That’s the good stuff. But it was beginning to irritate me that they don’t seem to make these kinds of toothpaste in the bigger tubes; the kind that would last you for six months. Having to remember to buy toothpaste once a month or face stinky, yellow teeth can be weighty on the memory.
So last month I went out on a limb, and bought a new kind. In a big, baseball-bat sized tube. Perhaps you’ve seen the commercials for this one. These commercials almost made me not even try the toothpaste in the first place. In the commercial, these two overly happy people come upon this overly happy cartoon beaver in the woods. “Hey, it’s Mr. Beaver!” exclaims one. This is the cue for all college-age students to snicker drunkenly. “How do you get your teeth so white,” says the other dude. And of course Mr. Beaver keeps his teeth so white because he uses this herbal toothpaste that is oh so fine, and it has natural herbs. Yee ha. Horrible commercial.
But I bought this stuff anyway. One, it was in a big tube just like what I was looking for. Two, I like herbs. It can’t be that bad. Sure.
This stuff is like brushing your teeth with puree’ed grass. The taste in my mouth is worse after using this glop. But I didn’t give up. At first. After all, it is a huge tube and I paid for it, so dammit, I’m gonna use it all.
I gave up on it last week. I just couldn’t take it anymore. So back to the toothpaste row in Wal-Mart I went. I still wanted a big tube for some reason. It escapes me now, though. I settled this time on something more normal: Colgate Total with a Mint Fresh Stripe. Woohoo, mint! An herb, yes, but a minty herb!
I first tried it out last night. It was pretty good. A whole lot better than that grass paste, to be sure. Soon after I was done with it, though, my tongue began to feel numb. And I began to feel a little nervous — I had been cleaning the bathroom earlier. What if I got clorox in my mouth?
No Clorox, it was just Colgate Total with a suspicious Mint Fresh Stripe. Methinks they slipped some Ambesol into this concoction. I hate that Ambesol feeling, especially on my tongue.
So here I sit, numb-tongued, typing up my toothpaste woes with a calm Renton in my lap. I wonder what I should do with all this toothpaste. Maybe I could throw it away. But no, it’s a big tube that I paid quasi-good money for. Maybe I can tough it out. I’ll try for a bit, anyway. Maybe my tongue will get used to it.
If you’re talking to me, and I sound a little slurred, dont worry, I’m not drunk. It’s just the toothpaste.
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And now for an update on the Renton + blinds situation. I had previously thought that he had only destroyed one of the two sets. I was mistaken. Last night I made to raise the blinds by the string (there was a lizard amongst us, uggg). The string came easily, but the blinds themselves did not follow. Another one bites the dust.
It was rather comical, actually. Renton probably set that up on purpose. He discreetly chewed through the string on the bottom, knowing he’d get a kick out of it once I attempted to raise them. One of the most essential traits of a practical joker is patience.