After avoiding it for over a week (which is probably a new record for me), I went to the local Wal-Mart today. Uggg, Wal-Mart: can’t live with it, can’t live without it (because then you’d have to go to the FoodLand instead, and we know how that goes).
Our local Wal-Mart, obviously thinking more of it’s customers than they deserve, has recently installed these ‘self-checkout’ isles. Ohhh yeah. They actually did this about a month ago, but nobody wanted to use them at first, so everything was going relatively smoothly. You could zip in, grab your powdered sugar and loose razors and zip right back out. I’d used a similar system in a Winn-Dixie for a few years, so I’ve sorta got the gist of these things.
Today, however, it appears that the normal Wal-Mart clientele are beginning to brave the machines, and so far, the machines are winning. If you’ve got one person in front of you, you’re looking at a ten-minute wait. If you’ve got two people in front of you, find another line.
You can’t blame the user, though. These self-checkout machines are more onery than a bull having his balls pinched. Here’s how it goes:
Computer: (magically sensing someone is there) Welcome to Wal-Mart! Please select your language, and start scanning. . . NOW.
Me: (scans item)
Computer: “One. . . fifty-nine. Put. Your. POTATOES. In the bag.”
Me: (puts potatoes in the bag)
Computer: “The weight in the bag is not the same as the item scanned. Put. Your. Item. In the bag.”
Me: (slams potatoes in the bag and jiggles the metal bag holder thingy)
Computer: “Thank. You.”
Me: (scans item)
Computer: “Ninety-nine. Cents. To protect this item, do not put it in a bag. Please place the item in the shopping cart.”
Me: “What if I wanna put my bread in a bag?! I’ve got potato chips next, and they can be in a bag together. You know, save plastic. . .” (grumbles, and scans item)
Computer: “One. . .seventy-nine. Put. Your. POTATO CHIPS. In the bag.”
Me: (puts potato chips in the bag, thinking it would make it more sense to put it in the bag with the bread, but NO, the Computer Nazi won’t let me. Tries to scan item)
Computer: “The weight in the bag is not the same as the item scanned. Put. Your. Item. In the bag.”
Me: “They’re potato chips! They weigh less, and are more fragile than, the bread that you wouldn’t let me ‘Put. In. The bag!’ Fuh-Q!” (slams potato chips into the bag, no doubt breaking half of them).
Computer: (satisfied that it’s making my Wal-Mart shopping experience more hellish than usual) “Thank. You.”
Well, you get the jist of it. I finished up my scanning, then waited for the Wal-Mart Guy with a Key to check and see that I am actually not stealing my potato chips, ponied up my cash, and stormed outta there, with the Computer saying, “Thank. You. For shopping at. Wal-Mart. Have. A. Nice day,” behind me as I went. And I know how to use these bloody things! I think Wal-Mart’s ultimate goal with these things is to make you look stupid on purpose.
On a totally different note, Auburn won last Saturday. It was a struggle, though. 73-7. Intense game, man. Intense.
And in parting, I hoist a glass of Diet Coke to Uncle Willis. Teach him/her/it bad things, and teach them well. Like. . . “Ahh, that’s the Good Stuff.”