Crunchy Thoughts

Over the weekend, my sister and I came up with, I think, an ingenious theory. Now, probably many of you have heard the oft-repeated theory about The Smurfs Are Communist. Well, this sort of resides along those lines, but we go after a different childhood cartoon, and in a slightly different fashion.

Ready for it? Would you like to hear our hypothesis; let our facts, thoughts, and conclusions shatter yet another seemingly innocent children’s tale? Of course you are. And here it is. . .brace yourself. . .

The Whos down in Whoville, the tall and the small, were stoned. . . which is why they didn’t care they had no presents at all.

And how could they have been stoned? Where’s the proof, you ask. Well, the proof is shown by a simple fact, stated clearly in both the book and cartoon movie (which is practically word for word, and it would have to be; Dr. Seuss doesn’t work in prose). The simple fact is, kids, is the Whos were in possession of Who Hash. We all know the line “. . .he even took the last can of Who Hash,” as The Grinch looks at the camera with a knowing smile and wiggles his eyebrows. Yep, he knows what he’s doing later: bakin’ special brownies.

To add to this amazing revelation, we even have concluded that there is evidence of the Whos being stoned that very night The Grinch came to steal Christmas. Evidence #1: None of the Whos (sans one, which I’ll discuss in a minute), woke up while the Grinch was trashing their places, stealing all their goodies. Surely there was one light sleeper in the bunch, some adult Who person who had had too much Who Egg Nog and really had to use the facilities, but no. Not a one was awake, and why? They were stoned off of Who Hash, and they all had collapsed into slumber a few hours before the Grinch made his little stop. Now there was that one exception, little Cindy Lou Who (no more than two), who needed some water. Now, with Cindy being no more than two, and even stoned Who parents have some sense, she didn’t get to have as much Hash as everyone else, but she did get a little. Just enough to make her thirsty, and to be totally nonplussed when she finds some weird green Santa Claus (wearing no pants, mind you), in their Who living room that doesn’t have a stick of furniture, stuffing their tree up the chimney, and obviously having a hard time of it. She was just stoned enough to buy the green man’s lame excuse of fixing a light bulb. Yep, hash’ll do that to you.

Now, Evidence #2: they wake up, no presents, no furniture even, and what do they do? They go out into the Common Green, hold hands, and start singing! “Fa-who-la is Fa-do-la sing welcome Christmas Christmas time!” The story goes that they’re still happy and singing because Christmas came, just the same, without any presents at all. Uh huh, sure thing, man. If you woke up and found everything in your house to be MIA, wouldn’t you flip? I know the advertised point of the story is that material possessions don’t matter, but most of us would be upset on some level. It’s sad but true; I bow down to the person who can truly say they would not be miffed. But every Who in Whoville (the tall and the small), don’t even care? It’s a cover-up for the fact that they were all stoned out of their minds, so of course they wouldn’t care; they probably didn’t even notice. They just knew that they were feeling good, their houses seemed nice and spacious, hey y’all let’s sing. And what singing, too. Fa-who-what? Of course, if the Grinch hadn’t been fooled into feeling remorse for his actions and therefore had not brought back the goodies, those Whos would have been right mad once they realized that the last can of Who Hash had been lifted from their little druggie town. Green heads would have rolled all the way down Mount Crumpet.

And for the final evidence, I give you Evidence #3: they all had the major munchies. At the end of the cartoon movie, where the Grinch is carving the Roast Beast, everyone’s happy and gnoshing away. As the (cartoon) camera pans back, we see all the Whos going at their food like ravenous wolfhounds. Look at that Who with the corn-on-the-cob! You couldn’t tear him away from that thing. And that Who eating what looks to be mashed potatoes. That one never comes up for air. I guess after all the Who Hash, any normal Who would have the munchies. Even the Grinch, the Grinch himself (who carved the Roast Beast, don’t forget), probably had sampled some of the Who Hash as well; he goes at his roast with gusto. In fact, every Who man, woman, and child are munching away, the druggies.

So there you go; the truth behind How The Grinch Stole Christmas, as discussed by my sister and I. After thinking about all this, and having the realizations, it will make Thanksgiving Day a much more interesting event when they show the cartoon movie continuously for twenty-four hours, as is their custom. Maybe I will even find more evidence, either for or against our argument. I’ll have to remember to write it down, or at least mentally file it away, and I’ll post it here first. Unless I’m stoned. Then I just won’t care.

(two notes: I hate using the phrase ‘cartoon movie,’ but ever since Ron Howard tackled the Dr. Seuss classic, I have to make the distinction. The cartoon movie is much, much more than a mere cartoon. Second note, I hope y’all don’t think I’m a stoner. All of my knowledge on marijuana comes from popular culture, one testimonial from a weird acquaintance, and a story about a dumb cop from a fellow horticultural student. This, of course, makes me an expert.)